Burn My Heart
by Charise
Summary: I had to obey. I didn't want him to hate me, wanted him to love me. Didn't want him to leave me, but didn't know how to make him stay.  I will never forget the sound the door made as it closed my Dad out of my world- and my heart- forever.


When my dad left I thought my whole world was over. I feel like my life is just a book filled with empty pages. The last memory I have, I try in vain to forget. Seeing him turn his back on me. Leaving me. I hate him.

I hate everything. But mostly, I think I hate myself. There must be something horribly wrong with me. Maybe I was just a really, really bad kid. That maybe why Mom left us. I don't even know how old I was when Dad told me I made his wife go away and never want to come back. I do remember the drinking though. And Gramps having to come pick me up in the morning and feed, bathe, and dress me because my father was "sick". I knew better. He didn't have a cough or snot dripping down his nose. But Grandpa told me it wasn't that kind of sick, no he was heartsick. He left it at that. I did too.

I tried to be better. Gramps would let me work with him sometimes in the mountain and I would bring home the biggest ores I could carry. Just for him, just so he could know how sorry I was. But he would always just look down at me with a harsh as winter glare and smack whatever I was holding into the fire. And as I watched my efforts burn my soul began to ice over.

It was the Summer after I turned six that Dad dropped me off at the inn to play with Ann and Karen. I never really liked to play their dumb games, and this day I was even more unimpressed with their attempts to make me the prince. While they ran up and down the stairs I sat on the end, watching as my father talked to his brother, Ann's dad. They looked like they were fighting. My dad's fist slammed down on the counter and everyone stopped. He turned on his heel and walked towards the door. I ran after him, hoping this meant it was time to go home. Ann's dad started after me, but my dad's sharp voice stopped us both in our tracks. "Gray," he said "don't follow me."

I had to obey. I didn't want him to hate me, wanted him to love me. Didn't want him to leave me, but didn't know how to make him stay. I will never forget the sound the door made as it closed my Dad out of my world- and my heart- forever.

Karen started crying behind me and Ann ran forward and hugged me really tight. But it all seemed distant. As did my uncles explanation of what was going to happen next. He took me to my house and helped me pack up all my things. My dad had taken all of his stuff already, and when we were done the house was completely empty. Doug asked if I wanted to look around one more time to make sure I got everything, and I shrugged wondering what I could possibly find that would make any of this okay. I didn't find anything. But I did find my Dad's old UMA hat. He said it belonged to his grandpa who lived in a place called Flower Bud village. Even though I didn't know him, I knew my grandpa was special because a person has to be very special indeed to have my dad's love. I'm sure that my father didn't mean to leave it behind, it was hidden in the very back of his closet. And even though it felt wrong, like I was stealing from him, I took it.

It didn't fit my head at all, but I wore it anyway. I brought it and an old family picture that was tucked inside out to my uncle. His eyes looked surprised seeing the bright blue hat on my head, but then he just smiled a sad little smile at me. I hated the pity in his eyes so I pulled the bill down to hide myself from them.

"Is that everything you want, Gray?" he asked me.

"Yes, Uncle." I replied, "Is that okay with you?"

"Fine by me," he grunted as his picked up the one box that held what was left of my tattered world. "Where did you find that picture? I didn't even know he still had a picture of Sarah around anymore..."

Doug had said the last part to himself but I heard it all the same. It made me feel weird inside. Hearing my mom's name. My father never talked about her and he threw all her pictures away the same season she left. All I remember about her was bright blue eyes and long brown hair. I think it makes me sad that I don't remember her, or maybe it just makes me angry. Why deal with feelings when you can just throw them in a fire and burn them.

So that's what I did. When it was finally winter I snuck out of my room on the top floor of the inn. Holding the only connection I still had to my mother and father, I made my way across town. My old house, my childhood home that once stood proudly beside the blacksmith shop and the poultry farm now looked worn out and tired. I looked at the picture and took the matches out of my pocket. I started to light one, but dropped it clumsily in the snow when I heard a gasp behind me.

"Gray," squeaked Ann, trying hard to be quiet as to not draw attention from the farm owners across the path or our grandfather sleeping in the little apartment close by. "What are you doing with fire? You know that's dangerous! Why are you out here?"

I turned and glared at her. "Nothing," I replied crossly and tried to sneak the picture behind my back. "How did you know I was here?"

"What's that? Common Gray! Tell me! I heard you get up and so I decided to follow you, and now you _have_ to tell me or I'll tell my Daddy!"

She tried grabbing behind my back, but I pulled away and she landed in the snow bank. I thought she was going to cry, but she jumped up and stuck her finger in my face continuing to make threats. Finally I sighed and decided to let her in on what was going on. I was going to be in trouble either way. I pulled the picture out and showed her.

"Is that your mom?" She asked after studying the picture briefly.

"Yeah. And my dad. And me."

"Are you going to burn it? Is that why you have the matches?"

I nodded and tilted my head toward my house. "And that."

"Oh! That's _really _dangerous! Something else could catch on fire and..."

I only shrugged and proceeded to take out the matches once more, ignoring my cousin's ranting. I fiddled with the small sticks, my hands feeling like ice cubes. Striking the tips against the side of the package, but failing to hold on to them with my numb fingers, they fell to the snowy ground. Frustrated I started aggressively ripping the matches out and striking them. 'I can't even do this,' I thought to myself, and the notion only made me angrier. As I got angrier I frantically trying to light them, and even when some did catch, they fell to the snow when I finished my swipe because I wasn't really paying attention. All I could think about was the woman with the blue eyes who didn't want me and the only parent I had ever known walking away from me ordering me to stay behind. The harsh and critical way that he talked with me, and that I could never please him.

I must have started crying because suddenly Ann stopped talking. She put her hand on mine, and wiped the palm of her hand against my cheek the against her flannel pajamas. When I looked at her, her eyes were brimming with tears too. I ripped my hands out from under hers and threw the matches onto the ground. I didn't want pity. I didn't want her to think I was weak. I crossed my arms and turned away from her.

"I don't know why uncle left," Ann mumbled "I don't think anyone ever will."

I spun on my heel and shouted at her, "Because I'm bad Ann! That's why! Because I can't ever do anything right!"

The red head grabbed the matches and put them in my hands. "I don't think your bad, Gray" She hugged me. "I think you should do whatever you want to do, and I won't tell anyone, okay?"

So I lit it up.

We leaned against the fence that surrounded the poultry farm hand in hand and watched the blazes lick at the sky. The brilliant stars dulled by the black smoke rising from my burning house. My life dulled by the anger burning inside me.

* * *

><p><em>an This story was inspired after the yellow heart event in MFOMT. Like many others who have played HM:64 and BTN it's hard for me to not think of Doug (aka HALL) and Ann as related to Gray. So in my mind-even though it's never said- I always just make them a family. BUT in this yellow heart event Gray asks if Claire will ever leave Mineral Town and when she says she won't he says he's happy because it was sad for him when _**his dad left**_. All this time I've been so wrapped up in my Gray and Ann MUST be brother and sister that I had never noticed it before. That must have been really sad for Gray. So I wrote about it._

_I'm feeling kind of inspired by this who idea so I may continue and tell about when he moves to the city and goes through public highschool and then start a main story line about he and Claire (duh). We'll see. Thanks for reading 3_


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